Rick Reilly: Shame of a Nation

A few nights ago, some friends and I were having a barroom (well, bardeck) debate: what is the largest animal you could strangle to death? I could probably go bigger, but I couldn’t go more satisfying than Rick Reilly. In the past week, he’s provided two ridiculously stupid ESPN.com pieces for your reading agony. In the first, Reilly gives us his list of the top ten sports events you “must” see live. Never mind that you’d have to be a millionaire or a professional sportswriter to actually do this, you apparently still must. Because he imagines that his audience is a bunch of frustrated middle-aged men who want to be more involved in rich-white-guy sports (okay, he’s probably accurate there), this list includes dog sledding, yachting (apparently the America’s Cup is still a thing that happens), two golf events, cycling, tennis, and horse racing. Now, some of this shit can’t possibly work live: how do you “watch” the Iditarod? Or the America’s Cup? These are anti-spectator sports, and yet we’re supposed to go to them (hell, Reilly’s only cited reason for watching a goddamn-who-gives-a-fuck yacht race is to get drunk, which I can do at home). And considering the angle of the next column, why exactly is he celebrating the “Fans pulling the hair of Tar Heels players as they inbound the ball” at Cameron Indoor? And why does he say that there’s “nothing in America within a par-5″ of Wimbledon, but then have the Kentucky Derby and the Masters listed above it?

I hear the seats from Kaltag are primo.

What really gets me about this list is number 10: the home run derby. Okay, I’ve never seen it live. Maybe the balls light up or fireworks go off or the Beatles reunite or something if you actually see it live. But it’s fucking boring on TV. He claims that it is “Better than the All-Star Game because it’s never ended in a tie.” Hmm, then I guess the Magic: The Gathering World Championships are also better than the All-Star Game. He also claims that guys swing at every pitch, which is patently untrue unless the live experience involves some kind of timeshift past the 800 pitches Ryan Howard takes between swings. Further, “every third ball is a souvenir.” Now, I know I’m getting nitpicky here, but this means that guys would hit four home runs per turn. Which , if it were true, would suck and be boring. Oh yeah, and even though guys hit more than that, the event still sucks and is boring.

But our boy Reilly isn’t done. Because he can’t go five seconds without talking about golf, his latest piece is on why Tiger Woods is a dick because he swears and hits his club on the ground sometimes. This piece gives us such pearls as: the 1997 Masters is the most important golf tournament ever; Tiger’s occasional tantrums are disrespectful to Jack Nicklaus; golf is a “gentlemen’s game,” and “less is expected” in the NBA, baseball, and football; moral panicking about Tiger being a bad role model for kids. I don’t really know what to say about the first two (okay, I’ll say that my own pick for Most Important Golf Tournament Ever is David Frost’s stunning victory at the ‘93 Hardee’s Golf Classic), but this shit about golf being somehow morally superior to other sports has to stop. I don’t know who Reilly plays golf with or where, but my own extensive experience on the links is characterized primarily by beer, old people yelling at me, shirtless rednecks, and profanity. Imagine if I played with Tiger Woods! I’d be raping my caddy by the fifth hole! Trust me, you’d be surprised how many guys serving life sentences say they got their starts in crime by yelling “fuck” when they sliced a drive. Rick Reilly is fine with and actively celebrates fans fucking with dudes involved in a basketball game, but a golfer expresses irritation with his play and he deserves a column-length scolding.

Watch out, kids, that iron's directed at you.

These columns make me wish Tiger would direct his fury away from his driver and toward Rick Reilly’s throat.

TDGP Weekend Wrap Up

Is it this way to Lexington?

1) The most delicious piece of information I’ve heard in a long time. Calps interested in the Kentucky job?* Isn’t their some equation for awesomeness that goes something like this:

old Pitino job + potential Calipari job = cross-promotion king of basketball frenzy super basketball empire of doom

I surely hope this happens. I can see it now: UK, Doc Hollywood’s new favorite team.

Dropping another win in the ole bucket.

2) Oh, brother! Will this guy quit already??? Poor Sean O’Hair had to be in the lead on the last day with Mr. Robot Knee lurking. Don’t worry buddy, you will win one day. . . I think. Gawd, if Tiger wins the Masters you may as well start calling it the TPGA.

This guy's team lost (probably).

3) That tournament thing is still going on. By this point most people display a considerable lack of caring while their shattered bracket lays in or near the trash can.

Erin Andrews is revolted by three things: Bruce Pearl, Kelvin Sampson, and the very idea of the "Kentucky Job"

*by “Kentucky Job” I am referring to the UK coaching job and not the euphemism for a blood relative helping you hold the sausage hostage.

Most Awesomest Athletes, 2008, Vol. I: The Roc

In light of the negative posts about most irritating athletes, I think that some positive vibes might be good for the site. While I can think of many awesome choices, I believe that the first nod must go to Rocco Mediate. Sure, he is a weirdo, he wears super-high pants, and his performance in the ‘08 US Open was somewhat marred by his obsequious “Just happy to be here” comments, but he stood toe-to-toe with El Tigre for 91 holes, and that ain’t not bad.

He gave us something to watch and root for in the football off-season, and he provided a foil for the #1 player in the world much more compelling that your Bob May or your Chris DiMarco. Sure, he was only keeping pace with a hobbled Tiger, and he had his chances to slam the door on Woods, but no one else was there at the end. The fact is that Rocco hung in there better than anyone else, despite Tiger’s 80-foot eagle putts and birdie chip-ins. Roc flirted with immortality and fell just short– but that’s what happens when you run into greatness. Ask Malone and Stockton about Jordan. Ask every swimmer in the world about Phelps. (By the way, I tend to think Phelps is a choad, but he is great.)

Mediate leans in for a kiss after his 5-day affair with the world's number one.

So, here’s to you, Rocco, for Mediating an otherwise boring lull in the sporting season. I generally celebrate greatness, so I enjoyed watching Tiger win, but it was good to see the drama of 12-foot putts on the 72nd hole and must-have 8-footers on the 90th. Whip those pants higher, you magnificent bastard: you deserve it.

Woods Updates Status; World’s Breath Understandably Bated

Above: Woods smiles about his decision not to putt.

Though the emergence of young pros such as Anthony Kim and Chez Reavie and the recent Major dominance of Padraig Harrington have provided the game of golf ample intriguing storylines in the past couple months, fans still clamor for word of the world’s best golfer,Tiger Woods. Therefore, it is no surprise that Tiger’s recent post on his website has caused a firestorm of interest as to the nature of Tiger’s rehab and return. Those wanting to read his entire post can visit here, but the meat of Tiger’s revelations is that he will be unable to swing a club in earnest for another 5 months or so, and that, though he could putt, he is “not going to do it.”

Media and fans are at a loss as to why Tiger would eschew putting for other, less meaningful life pursuits. Though Tiger claims to be enjoying his time off, spending time with his family and designing golf courses in North Carolina and Dubai, many are skeptical and say that his time off has lessened his competitive drive — a drive that has led him to 14 Major titles and 65 overall PGA Tour wins. “What has it come to,” Josh Crotin, a retired metal worker from Lansing, MI asked at TigerMania IV, a regional bi-annual convention supporting and promoting all-things-Tiger, “when the world’s greatest golfer won’t put down his kid, limp out to the putting green and roll the ole Nike around for 3 to 4 hours per day? I was led to believe by Earl Woods himself that Tiger was mentally the strongest athlete that has ever lived. If he will not sac up, I guess,” said Crotin, whose shirt read ‘Tigers Do it on Bear Rugs,’ “I will have to go to his house and drop some golf bags behind him until he gets the picture. ‘What’s that? You’re trying to make a sandwich? Golf Bag! Oh, you need to use the restroom, eh? Golf Bag!’ If something is not done, I tell you what, Tiger’s fans will express the hurt and betrayal they feel. And that, my friend, will not be pretty.”

Still more fans at TigerMania rankled at other of Tiger’s revelations. Among their concerns were Tiger’s admissions that he ‘likes mustard in potato salad, but does not usually use it,’ and that his daughter ‘prefers’ a teddy bear to plush tigers offered her. The latter has many speaking of treason and a number of attendees were heard chanting “Et tu, Sam?”

Tiger Woods : Pretty Good at Golf

I just got finished watching the US Open playoff, which was some of the best theater in recent sports memory. Tiger had a seemingly insurmountable 3 stroke lead with 8 holes to play, but Rocco Mediate, with a bit of help from Tiger, stormed back to take a 1 stroke lead with 3 to play. Of course, Tiger birdied 18 and then won immediately on the first sudden-death hole.

Add to that Tiger’s Friday back nine, his Saturday eagle binge and yesterday’s finish, with his birdieing 18 to force the playoff, and one could argue that this tournament was the best thing on TV this season- that is, if you like Tiger. Or excellence.

The question I propose is whether Rocco wouldn’t have made a better story here and whether the nation at large was not rooting for him. Do Americans still like the underdog? Or do we, because of our superiority complex, want to see dominance? And mind you, in this case, we are talking possibly the biggest underdog of the modern era. Rocco was 168 in the world coming in and had not won for 6 years. He is 45, and would have beaten Hale Irwin’s oldest-to-win-the-Open record. He’s freaking Rocco Mediate. If we can get behind any underdog, surely, this was the one.

Yet, despite my warming to Mediate over the length of the playoff, I still found myself whooping it up in my underwear when Tiger made a crucial putt or crushed a driver 320. He had 13 majors already… why did I begrudge Rocco being thrown a Del-Negro-like bone? Why couldn’t I root for Jordan to give Drexler a ring? Why did I even care about Michael Schumacher during his incredible run on the racetrack? What is the nature of fandom, especially on the level of superstar, and why am I such a hater of the underdog?

Another thought, too: I tend to root for best-in-the-history-of-the-game-type players, despite their general smugness. How can they not be smug, I say? They actually are better than the rest of us. I will admit, though, that Kobe is the best player in his sport, and arguably has as much or more pure skill as Jordan did. But I do not like him at all. I cannot root for him, bedazzled as I am of his skill. Is it the rape accusations? Maybe partly, but I disliked him prior to that as well. And Peyton Manning? I think not. Frittata?

Any thoughts?