About a month ago, the American Sportscasters Association released its list of the 50 best, um, American sportscasters. As one who generally thinks sportscasters are the scum of the earth, the very concept of this list intrigued me. Then I read it. A lot of talking to myself in the mirror and many pints of beer later, I have finally come to terms with this mysterious creature. Keep in mind that it was selected by what I assume is the primary professional organization for American sportscasters.
I'm old and maybe dead
Amazingly, the top 30 is pretty solid. Vin Scully wins, which I guess is fine except they throw radio and TV, regional and national, play-by-play and color folks together without any sense of the different criteria for the different media and announcing roles. There’s a guy named Red Barber at #3—don’t know who he is, but that’s a hell of a sportscaster name (or gangster name, which it probably also is). Costas and Enberg crack the top 10. Not a surprise, though I don’t care for either, and Enberg’s tendency to sexualize young athletes is creepy. Graham McNamee’s at #15, and I don’t know him either. Jim Nantz takes 24th place, which is okay ‘cause his vocal timbre makes golf into something you can fuck to. Madden gets 29. Moving on.
The thing goes off the rails in its bottom rung, starting with the very next fella, at #31, Joe Buck. Joe Buck is a disgrace to his late father. If Joe Buck were looking over my shoulder as I wrote this, I would elbow him in the jaw. Not only is Joe Buck NOT the 31st best American sportscaster EVER, he is the worst American sportscaster currently working. I’ve been through this on TDGP before, but the guy doesn’t even watch sports voluntarily. Then at #35 we have Chris Berman, who I’m pretty sure only appeals to drunk people.
Hi I'm dumb
Then comes #39. Hopefully Rawley will regale us with his story about this man in the comments: it’s Bill Walton. Bill Walton. Really? Is this even believable? Does the ASA even have any interest in credibility? Bill Walton is like somebody’s angry, demented grandfather spewing jibber-jabber about World War II while a basketball game is going on. He’d be worse than Buck, except he doesn’t even really qualify as a sportscaster. At this point, I’m pretty sure the ASA is just a cover operation for a guy named Sal who needs to off a guy named Vinnie. I can’t possibly take this shit seriously. Anyway, further confirming my suspicions, at #47 is Dick Vitale. Dick Vitale was entertaining when I was 11 years old and wanted to take a nap. Dick Vitale now makes me want to stab forks into my eyes and ears. And he does Hooters commercials. Then there’s a bunch of other people, and Pat Summerall is inexplicably at #45 instead of, you know, like #12 or something where he should be. And there’s people named Merle Harmon and Clem McCarthy, who are either fake or also suck.
Honorable appendix: there are also honorable mentions, which are the money laundering of this list: low level, but still shady and despicable. These include, I shit you not, Terry Bradshaw, Tim McCarver, Joe Morgan, and Don Criqui. What exactly is honorable about mentioning any of these people? And why can’t any hockey dudes get any love here? You get Foster Hewitt and nobody. No Mike Lange (who should be top 20)? No Don Cherry (who should be honorable mention)? This shit should be illegal. And where the fuck is Erin Andrews?
Erin is clearly pissed about being left off the list
