What a great day! The Cats get Calipari and, according to a report on Yahoo!, “The Broncos’ owner says the team is shopping Jay Cutler after both sides couldn’t end their feud.” With the imminent trading of Cutler, I will finally have zero reasons to root for the Broncos. Adios childhood, hello new future!
I want Cutler to go to one of two places: New York Jets or the Detroit Lions. I think both would please me just fine.
1) New York Jets. Although big cry baby safety Kerry Rhodes doesn’t want Cutler, I think it would be a great fit. First, that big ole fat dude Rex Ryan raided the Raven’s D to bolster an already good Jets D. That team, which was 9-3 (or something like that) would have made the playoffs if Mangenius would have stuck to the run. But, no mind. The Jets collapse had to happen to make way for Broadway Jay. If he goes there I will place a bet on day one for them to win the Super Bowl. Will someone tell me how to actually bet on something, I’ve never done it.
2) Detroit Lions. Sure, they suck so hard. But if he goes there I will be able to get my full back tattoo of the Detroit Lion’s logo with Jay Cutler’s head on top. They also make more sense for the Broncos, because Denver will not have a QB. The Lions would be able to give Denver the #1 draft pick in return for Jay “the savior” Cutler. My prediction? If he goes there the Lions will finish 9-7.
Erin Andrews covering baseball but would rather cover Jay Cutler (if you know what I mean)
He could, of course, go to another team. Maybe the Raiders. It would take a lot for me to root for the Raiders but I would do it.
IN OTHER NEWS:
C-A-L-I-P-A-R-I!!!
Ashley Judd approves of the move to pick up John Calipari. And, really, who doesn’t?? His reign over college basketball will look something like this:
Much virtual ink has been spilled in the last couple of days about TDGP patron demon John Calipari and his imminent move to UK. We like this move over here, as it solidifies his place within the pantheon of overtly sleazy NCAA basketball coaches. If I knew how to use photoshop I would do sort of a middle-earth Mt. Rushmore with Calipari, Pitino, Boeheim, and Calhoun. It would look like the cover of a metal album. You know, with like dead cheerleaders and skulls and stuff like that. Presiding over Mt. Doomsmore would be the specter of Coach K, with pentagrams for eyes. Man, I need to learn photoshop. The point is this: Calipari is a great coach, he’s got tons of personality, and he knows that he’s full of shit. It’s this unique brand of self-awareness that we here at TDGP wholeheartedly embrace. Plus, and this is a big big plus, we get to see Calipari and Pitino square off twice a year. That shit’s gonna be live; better than Robotjox. The x-factor, though, is that Calipari is into power. More than the big-time cash he’s going to be making at UK (but maybe not that much more) he seems to want the attention. This is fine and I still love the dude. But I need this vanity to construct one side of my coin.
Anyhow, underneath Calipari’s wave of ooze, my main man, Tony Bennett slides into the Virginia job. No, the crooner did not get “a virginia job” (getting jerked off on a carousel). No, the author of Culture: A Reformer’s Science did not get a new academic appointment. THE Tony Bennett, former coach of Washington State. Not a completely premier job, but a good one. Better than Washington State, no doubt. First of all, I should say that I LOVE Tony Bennett. I’m an eastern Washington guy and he had the Cougars on par with some of the country’s best programs last year. He also did a pretty good job with them this year under the circumstances (they lost most of their guys). The really great thing about TB is that last year he was flirting around with the possibility of going to Indiana or LSU, two pretty high-pro schools that expect a good deal more from their b-ball programs than Virginia or Washington State. Tone the bone showed that restraint. He doesn’t need that noise. The Hoosiers with their morals and unrealistic expectations. The bayou dwellers with their fan boats. Nah! He’s taking it to the rim of the south, to a school where a solid record will get you success. Bennett is the Tom Wilkinson of NCAA coaches; the Emmitt Rhodes of college court generals. Really great, but slightly under the radar; marginal pop. You think you recognize him but they figure it could be five others. One thing I think is certain, though: Bennett will be at Virginia long after Calipari has left Kentucky for somewhere else–either through success (bumping into the NBA) or failure (most likely a scandal).
This Tony Bennett Thinks Basketball is the Coolest
So today I reckon we got two different snapshots of two very different figures in college basketball. One of them on page one, the other a few mouse-slides below. Neither seems to be going anywhere.
This Tony Bennett Only Has One Picture on the Internets
1) The most delicious piece of information I’ve heard in a long time. Calps interested in the Kentucky job?* Isn’t their some equation for awesomeness that goes something like this:
old Pitino job + potential Calipari job = cross-promotion king of basketball frenzy super basketball empire of doom
I surely hope this happens. I can see it now: UK, Doc Hollywood’s new favorite team.
Dropping another win in the ole bucket.
2) Oh, brother! Will this guy quit already??? Poor Sean O’Hair had to be in the lead on the last day with Mr. Robot Knee lurking. Don’t worry buddy, you will win one day. . . I think. Gawd, if Tiger wins the Masters you may as well start calling it the TPGA.
This guy's team lost (probably).
3) That tournament thing is still going on. By this point most people display a considerable lack of caring while their shattered bracket lays in or near the trash can.
Erin Andrews is revolted by three things: Bruce Pearl, Kelvin Sampson, and the very idea of the "Kentucky Job"
*by “Kentucky Job” I am referring to the UK coaching job and not the euphemism for a blood relative helping you hold the sausage hostage.
After Nova took down the Pittsburgh Catamounts or Steelers or whatever they are called I, Doc Hollywood, jumped out of last place in my NCAA pool! I am now fourth from last. I can create some real havoc if UNC and Louisville win tomorrow.
Thank god I didn’t pick Memphis, Kansas, or Pittsburgh to win. Suckers.
Erin Andrews assesses her bracket (hint: she picked UNC all the way).
That’s right. I’ve got a new favorite sportscaster. A nice gentleman named Gus. During the Michigan State-Kansas game, Gusterino said “blammo,” gruffly moaned “ooohh-yeah” several times, and told us viewers what he thought was probably going on inside Lupe Izzo’s head during the waning moments of the game. He also stepped all over his partner’s lines/time during the entire broadcast.
AHHHHHHHHHHHHHH. Johnson: wouldn't touch Erin Andrews with a forty-decible screamoan
Even a stopped clock shows the right time when it has to play a better team.
Like a reliable clock, the Duke Blue Devils know when it’s time to exit the tournament. Last night a Villanova squad (who I picked to go to the Final 4) took it to the Dukies and beat them for the first time in 50 years. I am pretty sure something goes off in their heads around this time that says, “Hey, it’s the second week of the tourney, you’ve done enough. Time to lose.”
Erin Andrews talks to this Doogie Howser-esque Duke Freshman about theoretical physics
So, this story is funny. Okay, not so funny. Apparently Vanessa Bryant, if the veracity of this story holds up, isn’t such a nice person. My skeptical world view holds that this is true:
Rich person + power over paid subordinate = super evil person
Of course, this could also be a calculated money grab by this woman. Maybe Vanessa didn’t make her put her hand in a bag of shit and only yelled at her. Who knows!?!?!?!?!? Is it innocent until proven guilty? I can’t quite remember. Anyway, I like how Kobe comes off as the good guy here for trying to mend fences between Maria and Vanessa.
Erin Andrews on iPhone learning about Bryant Housekeeper situation, nerds leer at her in background
Upon hearing the news that the NFL season is almost assuredly going to expand to 17-8 games, I did not think of the possible problems with player injuries or conditioning; I did not think of the elimination of meaningless pre-season games or the financial windfall the extra games represent for the “struglling” NFL; no, my only thought was, “Holy crap! There are going to be more fantasy weeks! Boom to the shakalak!”
As I have expressed on TDGP before, I have a tenuous relationship with reality when it comes to fantasy sports. I cannot seriously argue that football (or once, golf) has been nearly as important in its ‘real-world’ value as it has for my flourishing fantasy world. Now, I am not one to carry a cell phone and text people, I do not own an Ipod, and I find facebook to be tedious in most aspects. However, when it comes to fantasy sports, hook me into the machine, and watch me revel in my virtual existence.
This is what I see when I look in the mirror.
Though the extra games seem to be a couple of years out, I caution those who will stand against me in my fantasy leagues to beware: I will only intensify my involvement, insults and intimidation. Predator references will become so commonplace so as to seem almost meaningless. The man you once knew as the ground possum will morph into a Neo-like Matrix-monkey. Recognize!
1. My backet this year sucks major dingo balls. Apparently the dingo not only took my baby, but also my common sense. Have this many 1-3 seeds ever made it this far? It was a bad year to pick a lot of upsets. No Cinderellas unless you count that underachieving Arizona squad with 3 potential NBA players on the squad. Add to this misery the fact that I am last in my pool except for the goon who didn’t fill out a bracket. Jeez. At least all my Final 4 teams are still in it.
Using that Delta Tau Delta smarts to figure out how to screw the Colts.
2. So now John Elway is admonishing poor Jay Cutler for not playing nice with the Broncos. Isn’t this the guy who refused to play for a team out of college? Every day that passes leaves me a little more distanced from my former Bronco love. I hope Cutler goes to the Jets. That would rock.
S-E-X-X-X-Y
3. So, apparently Playboy beat us to the punch and named Erin Andrews the sexiest Sportscaster of 2009 while naming all male Sportscasters as the Sexistist Sportscasters of 2009. As of now Erin Andrews has a slim lead over Melissa Stark in our poll. Remember, get out and vote! Democracy doesn’t work without you!
I am a meat popcicle.
4. So, my least favorite Republican Curt Schilling retired. This is all I have to say:
