When it Comes to Green Bay Coaches, Fat is Out

I am sure that most NFL fans know the deal: former Green Bay coaches populate the league like stink on a monkey. While we’ve thankfully rid ourselves of Mariucci and Sherman, we still have to deal with perhaps the the two most over-rated coaches in the NFL, two of the fatter, most-mustachioed men in the league: Reid and Holmgren. But wait, you say, they have had great successes in their respective cities, and other GB coaches Gruden and Coughlin have won Superbowls. Well, to start, Gruden is OK by me; he is fine. Coughlin was being eviscerated by the press as a horrible coach until a number of miracles brought the Giants the Superbowl last year. Fine, too. I don’t like him, but let’s say he’s a good coach.

However, the relative successes of Reid and Holmgren are much over-emphasized. The lack of adaptability of these two is incredible. Sure, Reid has gotten to X number of championship games and one Superbowl… but no wins, so who cares? And sure Holmgren has had past success with all-time QBs and stacked teams. But, it’s time for these two fat cheese-eaters to go. Most recently, Reid has complained that they simply cannot run the ball when they need to. Really? You think that is because for your entire career you have been a throw first coach? That 60-70% of your plays are passes? That you waste a talent like Westbrook and refuse to put in, oh, let’s say, a FULLBACK on third and short? Or, can it be that you lose because you have not pressured management to draft a number one receiver to go with your pass-happy attack? Greg Lewis? Hank Baskett? James Thrash? Are these guys even gonna make another roster? Nice work.

As for you, Holmgren, your successes have always been a result of your personnel and weak divisions. Oh, you had Brett Favre and Green Bay could take out the 90s Bears, Packers and Lions (and Tampa, don’t forget). Wow. Oh, Seattle with Shaun Alexander could beat the early 00s Cards, Niners, and Rams(except when they were good). Nice. Usually with the worst record to reach the playoffs, too. Sweet.

Oh, and Holmgren, nice handling of your running back slot. “We’re gonna go with who’s hot.” Yeah, that’s a great strategy. Seems like who’s hot will be determined by who you put in the game to get carries, eh? Since Julius Jones put up back to back 100-yd games in weeks two and three (when Morris was injured, mind you– there was no real decision for Holmgren), Jones has gotten only 74 carries total, and both he and Morris are perplexed as to their roles. Indeed, going into this week’s game, neither even knows who will start. Way to build confidence in your players and team, Holmgree. Oh, you have had a billion injuries and could use some sort of team identity and stability, but I think it is good to confuse your own players about their roles on the team. Stout work.

It’s good riddance to Holmgren after this season, and let’s only hope this year’s Philly debacle leads to a similar fate for Reid.

Maurice Morrissey

So the NFL has been using a cover Morrissey song “Everyday is Like Sunday” from his delightful “Viva Hate” album. They just repeat the line “every day is like Sunday” over and over. It’s pretty funny if you’re a pervert like me. There’s some irony to this because the NFL is presumably trying to create a positive image for itself with a song with the refrain of “come Armageddon.” On one level, this doesn’t matter: most NFL fans probably won’t recognize the song and take its truncated presence in the ad as a kind of celebration of the magical specialness that the NFL brings to our Sunday experiences. Those folks, like me and probably some other TDGPers who like both the NFL and Morrissey, can sip Chianti from chalices, file our nails, and giggle at the silliness. And any time Morrissey can be associated with a sport as simultaneously violent and homoerotic as football, I give my full support.

After thinking about it a bit more, it seems to me that the Morrissey song is pretty appropriate for the NFL. I guess they want to make Sunday seem as depressing as possible in order to beef up the league as a way to make this decidedly shit day a little more bearable.

In any case, I really find the commercial entertaining and get a kick out of happied-up contemporary covers of really depressing songs. It’s like rape with a smile and a lollipop at the end.

So, I guess I’ll pose a question. Let’s say you were making a commercial for the NFL and you had to pick a pop or peripheral-pop song to transform into a celebration of the league. What would it be?

Some possibilities:
The Smiths – “This Charming Man” (it could focus on a coach like Dungy or Jeff Fisher)
New Order – “Blue Monday” (for, what else, Monday night football)
Nick Cave and the Bad Seeds – “The Mercy Seat” (in reference to the feelings of forgiveness we all feel while sitting in our favorite chair watching football
The Cure – “Catch” (a commercial featuring the league’s premier receivers)

Calipari Rides Again

Dude gets the top high school player to go to Memphis. Boom to tha shakalak. Proof that morals are stupid and the Pacino’s character in The Devil’s Advocate knew the score. Calipari’s like any of these other sleazeball coaches, with one key difference: he’s sleazier and won’t get caught. Teflon Don, daddy. Never stick. Even
Chaney’s punches, had they been thrown, would have slid right offski.

That said, I think Memphis is going to be really good this year. Most polls have them sitting at 12 or 13 (which doesn’t mean anything at this point), but I predict they will end up in the top five and see another trip to the final four. The game I most want to see right now: Memphis vs. Pittsburgh.

For the sake of generating some kind of conversation other than angry grammatical vitriol, you might let me know of the NCAA Men’s basketball match-up that you are most anticipating.

It’s Cool, Barry

So, one of TDGP’s patron saints, the illustrious and uber-stylish Barry Melrose was fired from the lowly Tampa Bay Lightning just 16 games into their season.

First of all, that seems pretty unfair. The guy only get a few months to prepare and then is canned less than a third of the way through the season. I reckon there was some administrative bitchiness going on. Barry is a diva.

Second, I think might just be God’s decree: Melrose should return to ESPN. He can wear better suits, be more stylish in his arrogant flourishes, and be wrong…alot.

Things Mike Singletary Says

I want to start a new post format: Things Mike Singletary Says. Anyone can leave a TMSS post, just one rule: Mike Singletary has to have said it.

For example:

Gore reported earlier in the day that he had suffered a concussion during Monday night’s loss to Arizona, and that he was still experiencing headaches. Singletary refuted that claim, however. “Frank Gore is a football player,” said Singletary. “He does not know what a concussion is.”

How to Watch Hockey on TV

I have a confession to make: I am from the United States, and I love ice hockey (field hockey: also fun). Hockey is famously unpopular in this country, except in Detroit, where it satisfies white people’s thirst for violence while allowing them to continue avoiding actual Detroit (sorry, Detroit: you had it coming).

But hockey is much more than a sublimation of racial guilt. It’s also a delightful sport that can be enjoyed by all, if you know how to watch it. I have hope that, in Obama’s America, we can finally get our collective head out of our collective ass and embrace hockey. Thus, this guide to watching hockey on TV.

1. Watch more than one game. You love football, right? Did you love it the first time you watched it, or were you confused as hell? Hockey isn’t as complicated as football, but it does take some time to get used to rules, strategies, and positions. Watch a few games, watch different teams, watch Olympic hockey and the NHL. Hell, ESPN televises the Frozen Four. Give the sport some time, and it will reward you with a lifetime of pleasure throwing things at the TV.

2. Pay attention to the announcers. If you follow this blog, you know that most of us hate most sports announcers and analysts. As opposed to baseball and football, most hockey announcers are actually quite good, and you can learn a lot from them. TDGP patron saint Barry Melrose is sadly no longer behind the desk, but Gary Thorne, Bill Clement, and Eddie Olczyk can salve that wound. If you get local broadcasts, things get even better (dear Penguins, get Mike Lange back on TV already). On a related note, watching with knowledgeable fans also helps.

3. Don’t worry about the puck. I realize that it can be difficult to see at times. But you do not, I repeat, DO NOT want the glowing blue puck. “But Seamus,” you say, “isn’t the game all about the puck?” Well, yes and no. The puck is, of course, the center of the action, the part-subject of the rink’s field of charged movement. You can’t not pay attention to the puck. And yet, if you spend all your time trying to find the puck, you’ll miss the game. You’ll miss the defenseman waiting at the point for the puck to squirt out of a scrum along the boards. You’ll miss the winger streaking through the slot to put away the rebound. You’ll miss all the dickish things Sean Avery does. Just as football is more fun if you pay attention to defensive alignments, hockey is more fun if you watch all the players, not just the one with the puck.

4. Pick a team. I don’t care which. Pick your local one if you have one, or go with someone else. I recommend the Penguins—they have two of the game’s most exciting young players, and they’re from the great city of Pittsburgh. Whoever you pick, it’s more interesting if you have a rooting interest.

5. Pay attention to line changes. A lot of hockey haters don’t even realize there are line changes, but new lines on the ice can add a lot of excitement. Fresh players, new matchups, and the possibility of line mismatches can shift the dynamics of the game in important ways. But you have to realize that a line change has occurred. The announcers usually call attention to changes, but not always.

6. Be grateful for the recent rules changes that have increased offense. Devils fans may hate them, but most folks agree that they’ve improved the quality of play. The NHL is trying to help you—return the favor.

This is not a comprehensive list—you may also want to consider growing a mullet, drinking, or going to a live game. But hopefully this list will help you learn to love the joys and sorrows of ice hockey, our finest sport that isn’t pro football.

Update: Failed Redesign, Obliterated Poll

You may notice a slightly new look to TDGP today. After a failed redesign attempt we have reverted back to our original (but slightly modified) template. After sifting through and applying Nadal, Shaqtus, and Pregnancy themed templates. . . nothing quite worked.

A sad byproduct of this redesign failure is the death of all our widgets, most importantly, the poll widget. Thus, today we weep for the “How Many Golf Balls Can You Fit in Your Mouth?” poll. It was clear that 6 balls was going to win and that everyone who answered the poll is a fucking liar.

But have no fear! A new poll was added today to replace the void in our existence. Look forward to a new TDGP redesign in the coming weeks.

Don’t Worry About It

If he stays healthy, I see the Suns going deep all up in the Playoffs. . .

Raiders and Rams to Join “Lions Consortium”

ABOVE: Jake Delhomme searches for an open Raider defender.

A week after they totaled 10 team passing yards, the Oakland Raiders found a new way to confound the naysayers who said they could not possibly suck any more: they lost to The Carolina Panthers 17-6 in a game in which Jake Delhomme threw for a mere 72 yards on 7-27 passing and totaled four interceptions. For those who are bad at math, that means that Delhomme threw the ball to his own team only three more times than he did to the Raiders. It was the second time since the NFL/AFL merger that a QB has had such a bad game and won. And the game, in case you did not rush to watch it, was never in doubt. The Raiders out-gained the Panthers 259-219 and managed to get only as close as 14-6. Kudos to the men from Oakland; they prove that in a year when the Lions are almost assuredly going to go 0-16 that another team can steal the ‘worst team in the league’ convo away from Detroit.

Their loss, however, was not, incredibly, the worst of the day. Somewhere in St. Louis, the worst team convo was joined with a hearty, “Not so fast, Oakland;” for there, fans are still trying to get their minds around one of the greatest beat-downs in modern memory. The Rams quickly found themselves down 40-0, as the Jets scored on all seven of their first-half drives. The hapless Rams turned the ball over 5 times and ended up losing 47-3. At one point in the game, the St. Louis coaching staff lobbied the referees for a ‘do-over,’ but they were denied and charged a time-out for asking. Asked after the game if they could ‘out-Lion the Lions’ for the remainder of the season, Coach Kim Haslett was understandably unsure. “Well,” he said, “it’s not often that you can put an effort up like that. And damned if the Lions don’t bring it every single week. We’ll just have to see how Culpepper works out and try to get Trent concussed. That seemed to work for Kansas City a couple years ago.”

The Lions could not be reached for comment, but were said to be hanging their heads at their two-touchdown, over-achieving effort.

Remember Back When?

I think that in 30 years time we all need to get together and reminisce about our fav Ryan Leaf moments.