The Dwight Gooden Poster

They ‘fraid

11/07/2009 · Leave a Comment

They have a blue field.

Does any major conference team out there want to play Boise St in 2011? Apparently not. Once again BSU is being black-balled by the BCS and major conference teams too afraid to play them. They are undefeated (in an admittedly weak conference) and beat their only legit opponent (Oregon, who is really good). This year they keep sliding in the BCS standings and will probably not get to humiliate another major conference team like they took it to Oklahoma (they are 4-1 against major conference teams in the last 4 years). Their only shot is to bulk up their schedule. Next year they have Oregon St. and Virginia Tech. Is that enough? Curiously, no one is biting for 2011, even with BSU promising to come play at their stadium (thus no blue field terror). Anyway, the BCS sucks.

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The Answer? Nay. The Problem.

11/06/2009 · 1 Comment

Did Memphis think AI would solve any of their problems? Really?!?!?

Question? Why would the Griz even think about AI? Why? Well, the media attention, of course! But you can only sell so many tickets when your team really, really sucks.

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Bob Sanders, held together by duct tape

11/06/2009 · Leave a Comment

Makes the Colts better. . . when he plays

Déjà vu? Bob Sanders was put on IR by the Colts, ending his season. I have only been an Indiana resident since 2004, but it seems that I have played more games than Bob Sanders: 6 games (2004-5), 14 games (2005-6), 4 games (2006-7), 15 games (2007-8), 6 games (2008-9), 2 games (2009-10).

Man, that guy gets injured a lot. The saddest part is that he’s a pretty good player. I am no football expert and couldn’t tell you difference between many intricate defensive strategies, but I can tell you that the Colts play A LOT better on defense when he is on the field. I’m pretty sure they wouldn’t have won the Super Bowl without him (the statistically-worst defense at stopping the run without Sanders during the regular season goes on the allow only 73.3 yards/game with a healthy Sanders in the playoffs, you do the math). Fuck, he even has 4 nicknames: “The Hitman,” “The Eraser,” “The Sandman,” “The Glassman.”

Once again, Indy seems to be pretty good. But, without the Glass Eraser, will they hold up? I’m thinking yes, since Sanders only played 2 games this year, but, still, tough guy to lose.

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FX presents ‘The League’

11/06/2009 · Leave a Comment

Whites dudes, requisite girl

So, I just watched this new show, The League, on Hulu (you will need to sign in to watch it because, like a lot of FX stuff, it is MA only). It was okay (somewhere between ‘good’ and ‘meh’), but I found myself drawn in as I related the show to my own fantasy football experiences. See, a couple of the dudes at TDGP, all of them actually, play in a 14 team FF league, The Bay Kelley Appreciation Society (named after last year’s winner and major cockgoblin Bay Kelley). This fact alone led me to give The League a chance. A few comments on my viewing experience:

1) It is actually fairly accurate: Nerds and man-children getting together on the weekends to relive their youth, talk shit, feel like they can somewhat control their lives for a brief window of time. In the show, they make an elaborate Shiva-inspired trophy and generally care way too much about something that is only somewhat based in skill (luck being the #1 factor in FF success). Putting a huge amount of labor into something that is pretty meaningless (but fun) reminds me of my FF experiences.

2) Although they do a live draft, they incorporate the website into the show. This is essential. I’m not even sure how people did FF before the internet. The internet allows you to talk shit on message boards and collect insane amounts of contradictory data on your players that will only be of limited relevance when your team that was projected to score 138 points actually scores 62. But, speculation 75% of FF’s fun and the internet helps greatly in this regard.

3) So these two lawyers on the show trade 1st and 6th place 1st round picks as part of a deal to give a dude who robbed some liquors stores a reduced sentence. I was like, “What are you thinking????” First, you can put together a good team no matter where you draft in the first round. Our league leader, the subdued Ground Possum, drafted in like 11th or 12th place in the first round. It is a fallacy that you need to draft high in the first round.

4) Like my FF experiences, the show is fairly dirty: a girl sticks her finger in this dude’s butthole, this guy (Taco) sings a happy birthday song to a 5 year old girl about how her parents 69ed before they conceived her, and some guy smokes a joint made of public hair. Not sure what all this has to do with FF, but I’m sure someone smarter than me can tell you.

5) The League’s FX website is surprising up-to-date with polls like: Which Texan RB would you rather have the rest of the season: Ryan Moats or Steve Slaton? (58% say Slaton)

Okay, that’s all. Watch it or don’t.

The Possum is gonna get taken down in the Playoffs

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I Am Proud to Hate the Yankees

11/06/2009 · 3 Comments

Ground Possum asks: why do we hate the Yankees? He’s right that dynasties tend to attract haters: Jordan Bulls, Brady Patriots, Kobe Lakers, Notre Dame (the same phenomenon seems to happen in individual sports to some degree; witness the legions of Tiger and Federer haters). I don’t know who hated Magic or Bird (other than fans of direct rivals), but he has a point. On the other hand, there seems to be no hate like Yankee hate. Yes, I rooted against the Patriots in the ‘08 Super Bowl, but trust me, that had nothing on how much I was rooting for the Phillies, another team I despise, in this year’s World Series.

Full disclosure: I am a Mets fan, which provides a special layer of animosity towards the Bronx Bombers that can’t be ignored. But I want to propose five possibilities for why the Yankees are so widely hated (and let’s not forget that they also have the largest fanbase of any MLB team, and probably any pro sports team in the U.S.):

1. The Steinbrenners are assholes, much bigger assholes than any other owners, including Mark Cuban and Al Davis. Treating the World Series championship like your birthright is not likely to win over many fans.

2. Their purchasing of players often seems to have nothing to do with baseball, and everything to do with celebrity. When other big spenders, like the Mets or Red Sox, are involved in bidding wars, their decisions seem to be at least vaguely related to whether the player involved is actually any good, will actually contribute to the team beyond a season or a few months, and is actually filling a glaring hole. When the Yankees go after big-ticket players, they treat them like trophies: “We got player X and you didn’t, na na na.”

3. Following this, the Yankees treat baseball as a publicity game rather than an actual game. I realize this is more or less expected in the contemporary world of pro sports, but they don’t even pretend. Major player acquisitions seem to be made for image, not the quality of the team. They don’t even allow their players to have facial hair, in the interest of looking “professional” or whatever. I’ll grant that the Red Sox’ whole “idiots” thing is mostly PR, but at least the players seemed sincerely invested in it.

4. Derek Jeter is overrated.

5. Not really their fault, but they court it incessantly, so kind of their fault: the Yankees get an unbearable amount of dick-sucking press. This Jayson Stark column, which deserves several posts of its own, is a prime example. Or check out this one, in which some guy RANKS ALL 27 YANKEE WORLD SERIES-WINNING TEAMS. This is an interesting exercise, but it’s better suited to, you know, a Yankee blog or New York Post feature than to ESPN, which must have better things to do, right? (joke). What other team has or would ever have received this treatment from the worldwide leader? The Cardinals won their tenth Series a few years ago, which seems like a lot to me, but did they get such treatment? Or the Steelers? Or even the Lakers last year (FOX Sports did this, by the way)? It’s a little like the contract between Notre Dame football and NBC: it seems like such an extraordinary degree of special treatment that we can’t help but heap hate on the recipient.

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Bittersweet Award

11/05/2009 · Leave a Comment

I am the only cool thing about the Yankmes.

As a Mets fan, I file this World Series under ‘Worst Possible Scenario.’ Evil Empire v. Team Arrogant Asshats. Not a lot of fun. I was actually hoping some rogue (Sarah Palin?) country would fire off nuclear missiles, effectively suspending this tragedy of a series indefinitely. All that said, I am actually really happy that mad genius and porn connoisseur Hideki Matsui won the MVP award. It is impossible to hate this guy. And, seriously, he deserved the award. He hit the ball so well that he made it impossible to give the award to Capt. “let’s name a bridge after him” Overrated or Mr. Kate Hudson.

So, 3 cheers to this abomination of a World Series being over. And 3 cheers for the first Japanese player to ever with the WS MVP award.

As Ground Possum knows, I am genius.

***POSTSCRIPT: Ground Possum has attained this photo of Mrs. Matusi celebrating in Tokyo when Matsui was going off:

matusis wife celebrates

You can see the tears in her eyes: a poignant moment shared across land and sea.

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‘Gamesmanship’: Part of the Game?

11/03/2009 · 2 Comments

Someone like Rick Reilly might point out that you cannot spell “gamesmanship” without “game.” In doing so, he would inadvertently point to a serious consideration: whether sports governing bodies should seek to invert the relationship Reilly rhetorically identifies. That is, should they legislate their products in such a way as to regulate or even eliminate gamesmanship– to take the “gamesmanship” out of the “game” ?

The question arises again after game 4 of the World Series was marked by a surprising amount of mound and infield conferences among New York Yankee players. In the fifth inning alone, the Yankees players stopped play 8 times to talk over strategy, change signs and fielding positions, and (presumably) break the momentum of the Phillies. The latter, of course, would be described by most as gamesmanship, pure and simple– intentional manipulation of the rules to gain a competitive or psychological advantage.

I'm not sure what this sign has to do wth anything.

According to Newsday, not only were Phillies fans upset at all the game stoppages, but so was Major League Baseball itself. Apparently, MLB wants a fast-paced game, and is concerned when players take advantage of vague rules to help their teams. Of course, MLB is not the only league “plagued” by such player manipulations. The best parallel that comes to mind is the way that tennis pros deftly use their “injury,” “trainer” and “bathroom” timeouts to get breathers, get a massage, and break momentum between games and sets. Maria Sharapova is the absolute worst in the world when it comes to such; if she loses a set, get ready for a bathroom break. It IS coming. If an opponent is gaining momentum, Maria’s hammy is going to tighten up. Count it. And, she and players like Novak Djokovic also drive other players crazy with their super-”methodical” (read: “slow as hell”) serving motion, bouncing the ball 20 times before languidly tossing the ball to serve.

Maria Sharapova glares at a line judge who called the set point that was in, in. Moments later, she went to the bathroom for half an hour.

Now: as you might read from the tone in the Sharapova section, I do not appreciate having to watch such machinations… or do I? When it comes down to it, I think I dislike Sharapova’s tactics so much because they usually work. She does dictate pace and play, and it is irksome, because she is so unlikable. And it is undeniable that sports are better when there are villains. Also, on the other side of the issue, I do not think that organizations like Major League Baseball need to go changing rules for marketing reasons. First, I am not sure why the sports leagues all want to “increase the pace of play”– the NFL and the World Series garner monster ratings, for which you would think advertisers pay handsomely, much more so than for Fox’s or CBS’s fall lineups or ESPN’s futbol coverage. I might guess that MLB has been criticized as a particularly slow game, and it is, but it is also NEVER, let me repeat that, NEVER going to outstrip the NFL in popularity. Therefore, speeding the game is not going to bring many new fans, and MLB needs to just chill and accept its step-child status. You’re not America’s past-time anymore, baseball. Deal with it.

Also, I think it is wrong, in a way, to change the rules to punish players who are playing within the rules. Maybe you might limit per inning conferences to 5 or so — something reasonable– but when organizations go about changing stuff, they tend to go way overboard. In trying to whittle down the baseball product to some hyper-marketed thing that some PR guys say is what we want, MLB is apt to over-police player control right out of the game.

All that said, I am not sure I agree with Yankees pitching coach Dave Eiland, who had this to say about Game 4’s conference-a-thon:

“You can’t take away the beauty of the game. I know fans get upset and I know Major League Baseball may get upset with that. But that’s part of the game. There’s no rules against it, and I don’t see any rules changing for that. That would be ridiculous.”

I see no beauty in men speaking into gloves that cover their faces. But I like that he said it.

As Derek Jeter and CC Sabathia discuss china patterns on the mound, Dave Eiland sheds a tear for beauty behind the shades.

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Really?!?!?

11/02/2009 · 1 Comment

Not quite sure what to make of this one.

‘Bout to get my hater cap on. Yes, I did go to UF and, no, I don’t care much about college sports nor do I worship Tim Teblow. Anyway, raging psychopath Brandon Spikes is being suspended for a half of a game against Vanderbilt for attempting to gouge the eyes of Georgia running back Washaun Eale.

Oh, how I wish penalties in all walks of life could be this light. What is the penalty for stabbing a student in the neck with a pencil when they ask you something that was clearly described in the instructions for the assignment? Half a class. What is the penalty for . . . oh wait, King Jesus vouched for him:

“He’s very intense and very emotional and very passionate,” Tebow said.

Oh okay, nevermind. If Mr. Perfect says he is a good guy, then I must be in the wrong for thinking eye gouging is bad. And it’s all good, college football isn’t high stakes capitalism like the NFL, so no big deal.

Spikes learned all he needs to know about sportsmanship from the few classes he attended at Haynesworth U

Okay, I guess I’m not really mad that he did it. I know that football is a dirty, dirty game and eye gouging goes on all the time. Yet, once you are caught, you should be punished in some meaningful way. Thus, the problem really sits with Urban Meyer, the UF admin, and the SEC for not forcing a more imposing fine upon this action. Legarrette Blount, anyone? Didn’t he get suspended for a year for punching a player in the face? And that seems a lot less dirty that eye gouging. Doesn’t eye gouging just sound awful?

Horrifically shitty director shows his eye gouging technique.

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Rick Reilly and the Premise of Doom

11/02/2009 · 1 Comment

Ground Possum has already identified one of Reilly’s biggest problems as a columnist: dude just can’t resist annoying, irrelevant wordplay. In his latest ESPN.com column, a dick-sucking celebration of USC freshman quarterback Matt Barkley, we see two more of Rick’s crippling problems. The first, which is common to many (MANY) sports columnists, is the obsessive use of parallelism. Now, I have nothing against parallelism. It’s a time-honored literary strategy that can enhance concision, comprehension, and interest. But it shouldn’t be the entire structuring principle of an 800-word column about a football player. Reilly’s whole piece is a back-and-forth comparison between Barkley and another USC freshman, some guy named Marvin who’s in a frat and likes pancakes. Parallelism is best used in small doses, but Reilly goes whole hog here, eventually resorting to such gems as, “Someday, Marvin hopes to be in the CIA, maybe as a white hat hacker. Someday, Matt hopes to be in the NFL, maybe as a Green Bay Packer.” Bravo, Rick. Your embarrassingly forced rhyme also ignores the fact that the Packers have a quarterback. Are you rooting for Barkley to be a backup?

Annoying as it is, the parallelism is not the worst part of this column. The real problem, one that dogs Reilly in almost everything he writes, is that that he starts from a premise nobody agrees with in the first place. The front-page lead-in to the Barkley-fest says it all: “Matt Barkley’s life is just like any USC freshman’s life, right? Maybe not.” Right? Right what? Did anybody, and I mean ANYBODY, think that Matt Barkley’s life was anything other than the crazy, unearned love-fest that Reilly depicts? The sub-headline (I’m assuming there’s a journalistic term for this) reiterates the raison d’etre of Reilly’s piece: “Matt Barkley’s life is just like any USC freshman’s. Kidding.” OF COURSE you’re fucking kidding, asshole. If you want to write a pointless column about the overadored life of a freshman quarterback at one of the country’s top five college football programs, go ahead. But for fuck’s sake, don’t lead off like you’re going to surprise us with stunning revelations about how the life of a USC quarterback is unusual for a college student. And why tell us that “Matt still hasn’t lost a game as a starter for the fourth-ranked Trojans”? The piece was written before Oregon demolished USC, at which point Barkley was 6-0 (he sat out the Washington loss with a sore shoulder). Wow, he won his first 6 games with a team picked by many in the preseason to make a national championship run. I don’t mean to run down Barkley here. I’m sure he’s a nice guy or whatever. But the column reads like something written by a sophomore in the USC Daily Trojan, not an 11-time National Sportswriter of the Year.

Reilly’s previous column, on the “bombshells” revealed in Andre Agassi’s forthcoming memoir, starts from a similarly shaky premise: “If image really is everything, why would Andre Agassi admit in his new book that he used crystal meth?” Probably, Rick, because “image” isn’t really “everything,” and nobody ever thought it was. Leave it to our boy Reilly to use the tagline from a camera commercial as the opening to an ostensibly serious column.

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Open

10/29/2009 · Leave a Comment

I got tons more to say about this (why did he tell us about the meth??, why the USTA’s circle the wagons reaction to Agassi’s comments wuz lame, why the cover of his new book is cooler than Joe Schmo Sampras’ autobio cover, why Federer still sucks, etc) which I will save after I read the book and give ya’ll a book report.

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